Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel.
Executed in electric chair in New York.
~~ George Appel, d. 1928
You are going to hurt me, please don't hurt me, just one more moment, I beg you!
Guillotined.
~~ Madame du Barry, mistress of Louis XV, d. 1793
I am going to be face to face with Jesus now. . . . I love you all very much. I will see you all when you get there. . . . I will wait for you.
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ Karla Faye Tucker Brown, d. February 3, 1998
Take a step forward, lads. It will be easier that way.
Executed by firing squad.
~~ Erskine Childers, Irish patriot, d. November 24, 1922
Thank you for the change in my life you have given me, the love and closeness of my family and my beautiful daughter. Thank you for using me...
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ John Cockrum, d. September 30, 1997
You sons of bitches. Give my love to Mother.
Executed in electric chair.
~~ Francis "Two Gun" Crowley, d. 1931
They butchered me back there, I was in a lot of pain. They cut me in the groin; they cut me in the leg. I was bleeding profusely. This is not an execution, it is murder.
Executed by injection, Florida
~~ Bennie Demps, d. June 8, 2000
( It took execution technicians 33 minutes to find suitable veins for the execution. The executioners had no unusual problems finding one vein, but because Florida protocol requires a second alternate intravenous drip, they continued to work to insert another needle, finally abandoning the effort after their prolonged failures.)
I'm going home, babe.
Executed by injection, Delaware.
~~ James Allen Red Dog, d. March 3, 1993
Remember, the death penalty is murder.
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ Robert Drew, d. August 2, 1994
Hurrah for anarchy! This is the happiest moment of my life.
Last words on the gallows.
~~ George Engel
(He was one of four executed after the 1886 Haymarket bombing in Chicago)
I love you.
Spoken to the executioner.
Executed by injection, New York.
~~ Sean Flannagan, d. June 23, 1989
How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? French fries.
Executed in electric chair in Oklahoma.
~~ James French, d. 1966
I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass.
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ Johnny Frank Garrett, Sr., d. February 11, 1992
Let's do it!
Executed by firing squad, Utah.
~~ Gary Gilmore, d. January 17, 1977
I'd rather be fishing.
Executed in electric chair, Louisiana.
~~ Jimmy Glass, d. June 12, 1987
Good people are always so sure they're right.
Executed at San Quentin.
~~ Barbara Graham, d. June 3, 1955
I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.
Executed by injection, Oklahoma.
~~ Thomas J. Grasso, d. March 20, 1995
Lock and load. Let's do it.
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ G. W. Green, d. November 12, 1991
You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everyone dances with the Grim Reaper.
Executed in California's gas chamber.
~~ Robert Alton Harris, d. April 21, 1992
It is the duty of every good officer to obey any orders given him by his commander-in-chief.
(Actual)
Shot by British as a spy.
~~ Nathan Hale, American hero, d. 1776
I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.
(Attributed)
~~ Nathan Hale
I am innocent, innocent, innocent. Make no mistake about this. I owe society nothing. I am an innocent man and something very wrong is taking place tonight.
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ Lionel Herrera d. May 12, 1993
There is no God but Allah and Muhammad is God's messenger.
Executed by hanging, at Camp Justice in the Baghdad suburb of Khadimiya
~~ Saddam Hussein d. December 30, 2006
I don't hold any grudges. This is my doing. Sorry it happened.
Executed in electric chair, Indiana.
~~ Steven Judy, d. March 9, 1981
Such is Life
Executed by hanging.
~~ Ned Kelly, Australian bushranger, d. 1880
I love you, mom.
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ Clarence Lackey, d. May 20, 1997
I die innocent of all the crimes laid to my charge; I Pardon those who have occasioned my death; and I pray to God that the blood you are going to shed may never be visited on France.
Executed by guillotine
~~ Louis XVI of France, d. January 21, 1793
My dear Melinée, my beloved little orphan,
In a few hours I will no longer be of this world. We are going to be executed today at 3:00. This is happening to me like an accident in my life; I don?t believe it, but I nevertheless know that I will never see you again.
Executed by firing squad
~~ Missak Manouchian, d. February 21, 1944
(Leader of the Parisian section of a Communist Resistance movement, the Francs Tireurs et Partisans - Main - d'oeuvre immigrée (FTP-MOI). See his entire letter & those of others of this group also executed, at: The Last Letters.
Farewell, my children, forever. I go to your Father.
Executed by guillotine.
Monsieur, I beg your pardon.
Spoken to the executioner, after she stepped on his foot.
~~ Marie Antoinette, Queen of France, d. October 16, 1793
Today is a good day to die. I forgive all of you. I hope God does too.
Executed by injection, Virginia.
~~ Mario Benjamin Murphy, d. September 17, 1997
Shoot me in the chest!
To his executioners.
~~Benito Mussolini, Italian dictator, d.1945
Shoot straight you bastards and don't make a mess of it!
Executed by firing squad.
~~ Harry Harbord "Breaker" Morant, Australian poet & national hero, d. 1902
Hurry it up you Hoosier bastard! I could hang a dozen men while you're screwing around.
Executed by hanging Leavenworth, Kansas.
~~ Carl Panzram, d. September 5, 1930
So the heart be right, it is no matter which way the head lieth.
Executed by beheading.
~~ Sir Walter Raleigh, d. October 29, 1618
Well, the Lord is going to get another one.
Executed in electric chair, Georgia.
~~ John Eldon Smith, d. December 15, 1983
Capital punishment: them without the capital get the punishment.
Executed in electric chair, Florida.
~~ John Spenkelink, d. May 25, 1979
Adios.
Executed by injection in Maryland.
~~ John Thanos, d. May 16, 1994
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Suicide Notes Collected
Include Form Remove Scripts Accept Cookies Show Images Show Referer Rotate13 Base64 Strip Meta Strip Title Session Cookies Suicide Notes
These suicide notes were gathered at the coroners' offices by a suicidologist/psychiatrist who asked to be anonymous. He edited identifying details out of the compiled manuscript, and we changed the names. But the text of each letter plus the age and sex given are real. All these people did kill themselves. Were they ambivalent about it? About half the hundred or so letters we saw seemed to have some element of doubt.
(There's a strange story in computer folklore about a suicide note that appeared late one night on the Arpanet computer network. The other people on the network had regularly corresponded with the mean, but always under the name of his lab not his own name. When the message saying he was killing himself flashed on the screen they tried to call the police, but nobody could identify him, and he died.) -- Art Kleiner
Married Female, age 59
Dear David,
After six weeks of streptomycin shots and a total of eleven weeks of rest in bed we have conclusive proof that the ulcers in my bronchial tubes have not healed. The short period of the streptomycin inhalations could not have brought on the results if the ulceration had even partially healed. To try further would mean many more months of bed rest -- more shots and inhalations -- I can't remain at the hospital for the winter months and a prolonged stay at a rest home is out of the question. I did some figuring -- the weekly rate there -- the amount of streptomycin for shots and inhalations plus the doctor's weekly visits would total to over $200 a week -- I can't bleed my family for any such amount of money, and that means that as soon as the money I have in my checking account runs out I would have to return home -- back to the same conditions which caused me to go downhill so steadily. It's a vicious circle from which there seems no escape. I could of course use up the money from the sale of our furnishings and silver as well as some I put aside for the furnishing of our home -- but all it put together would be like a drop ion the bucket -- besides I am now convinced that my condition is too chronic and therefore a cure doubtful.
All of a sudden all will and determination to fight on has left me. I have long ago prepared myself for the time when I reached the end of the trail. I feel calm and at peace and grateful that I can go to sleep painlessly. I feel justified in terminating a life which no longer holds any hope of having the essentials which make it worth living -- I did desperately want to get well -- I still had much to live for -- hope for recovery -- hope of a reunion with the children -- work which I loved and which could have given me financial security and great satisfaction. But it was not to be -- I am defeated and exhausted physically and emotionally.
Please tell the children that I loved them always and that my love has never faltered. I grieve that I could not have had the joy of being close to our babies, but that is no one's fault. Thank God they are well -- with my passing all menace to their wellbeing will have disappeared.
I want you to know that I have a deep affection for you. I am deeply grateful for all your kindness. I wish I could have made a happier life for you. It was mostly my fault, please forgive me.
Please write to Fran and Tony and to Marilyn and Jim and tell them that my love and gratitude could not possibly be put into words. Their generosity, devotion, love and tact made it possible for me to accept their financial help over a long period of time. I wish with all my heart that they might have been better rewarded -- All of you, my dear ones, I ask to keep my memory alive in your hearts -- To live on in the hearts of our dear ones is all that I can conceive of immortality. Please think of me kindly. Remember that which was good and lovely in our relationship and forgive me for the many mistakes I have made. Now that it is all said I feel at peace.
I want Dr. B. to officiate at my funeral. I think Joe would like to have him with him at that time.
Dear David,
I am said that I must go just a few days before your birthday -- but it so happened to pan out. I see no good in incurring the expense and misery of the bronchoscopy. I wish I could spare you the ordeal you have ahead. Try not to grieve. I ask all of you, my dear ones, not to mourn my passing. Be glad I am at least free from the misery of the bronchoscopy. I wish I could spare you the ordeal you have ahead. Try not to grieve. I ask all of you, my dear ones, not to mourn my passing. Be glad I am at least free from the miseries and loneliness I have endured for so long and that at last I'll have peace and rest...
Single female, age 21
My dearest Andrew,
It seems as if I have been spending all my life apologizing to you for things that happened whether they were my fault or not.
I am enclosing your pin because I want you to think of what you took from me every time you see it.
I don't want you to think I would kill myself over you because you're not worth any emotion at all. It is what you cost me that hurts and nothing can replace it.
Single male, age 51
Sunday 4:45 PM. Here goes
To who it may concern
Though I am about to kick the bucket I am as happy as ever. I am tired of this life so am going over to see the other side.
Good luck to all.
Benjamin P.
Married male, age 48
Elaine, Darling,
My mind -- always warped and twisted -- has reached the point where I can wait no longer -- I don't dare wait longer -- until there is the final twist and it snaps and I spend the rest of my life in some state run snake pit.
I am going out -- and I hope it is out -- Nirvanha, I think the Bhudaists (how do you spell Bhudaists?) call it which is the word for "nothing." That's as I have told you for years, is what I want. Imagine God playing a dirty trick on me like another life!!!
I've lived 47 years -- there aren't 47 days I would live over again if I could avoid it.
Let us, for a moment be sensible. I do ont remember if the partnership agreement provides for a case like this -- but if it doesn't and I think it doesn't, I would much prefer -- I haven't time to make this a legal requirement -- but, I would much prefer that you, as executrix under my will, do not elect to participate in profits for 2 or 3 years or whatever it may be that is specified there. My partners have been generous with me while I worked with them. There is no reason why, under the circumstances of my withdrawal from the firm, they should pay anything more.
I could wish that I had, for my goodby kiss, a .38 police special with which I have made some good scores -- not records but at least made my mark. Instead, I have this black bitch -- bitch, if the word is not familiar to you -- but at least an honest one who will mean what she says.
The neighbors may think it's a motor backfire ,but to me she will whisper -- "Rest - Sleep."
Albert
P.S. I think there is enough insurance to see Valerie through school, but if there isn't -- I am sure you would out of the insurance payments, at least --
I hope further and I don't insist that you have the ordinary decency -- decency that is -- to do so -- Will you see Valerie through college -- she is the only one about whom I am concerned as this .38 whispers in my ear.
Married male, age 45
My darling,
May her guts rot in hell -- I loved her so much.
Henry
Divorced female, age 61
You cops will want to know why I did it, well, just let us say that I lived 61 years too many.
People have always put obstacles in my way. One of the great ones is leaving this world when you want to and have nothing to live for.
I am not insane. My mind was never more clear. It has been a long day. The motor got so hot it would not run so I just had to sit here and wait. The breaks were against me to the last.
The sun is leaving the hill now so hope nothing else happens.
Married male, age 74
What is a few short years to live in hell. That is all I get around here.
No more I will pay the bills.
No more I will drive the car.
No more I will wash, iron & mend any clothes.
No more I will have to eat the leftover articles that was cooked the day before.
This is no way to live.
Either is it any way to die.
Her grub I can not eat.
At night I can not sleep.
I married the wrong nag-nag-nag and I lost my life.
W.S.
to the undertaker
We have got plenty money to give me a decent burial. Don't let my wife kid you by saying she has not got any money.
Give this note to the cops.
Give me liberty or give me death.
W.S.
Married male, age 45
Dear Claudia,
You win, I can't take it any longer, I know you have been waiting for this to happen. I hope it makes you very happy, this is not an easy thing to do, but I've got to the point where there is nothing to live for, a little bit of kindness from you would of made everything so different, but all that ever interested you was the dollar.
It is pretty hard for me to do anything when you are so greedy even with this house you couldn't even be fair with that, well it's all yours now and you won't have to see the Lawyer anymore.
I wish you would you give my personal things to Danny, you couldn't get much from selling them anyway, you still have my insurance, it isn't much but it will be enough to take care of my debts and still have a few bucks left.
You always told me that I was the one that made Sharon take her life, in fact you said I killed her, but you know down deep in your heart it was you that made her do what she did, and now you have two deaths to your credit, it should make you feel very proud.
Good By Kid
P.S. Disregard all the mean things I've said in this letter, I have said a lot of things to you I didn't really mean and I hope you get well and wish you the best of everything.
Cathy -- don't come in.
Call your mother, she will know what to do.
Love
Daddy
Cathy don't go in the bedroom.
Married female, age 50
When a "man" doesn't know where to take his wife -- then she isn't a wife any more --
I hope you will be "free" to take anyone any place and I'm sure you will not have any trouble as to places --
Please don't tell my mother the truth -- your whole tribe is partly responsible for this -- from your mother on down -- hope they are satisfied.
Married female, age 56
About the Evil god (yes)
About the Evil Seers killing people for their money (yes)
I am a profit at my death
I am a root of the stem of Jesse (yes)
We have made many discoveries. We have found out who the people with the mark of the beast are. And the devil was a human being now killed and cast into hell and the angel with the keys of the bottomless pit is in hell casting out all the good souls which these evil people have cast into hell for no reason. The good Seers who serve our God are 1/3 to 2/3 of the evil ones in this world. We are better than holding our owne but in Heaven God is almost over come and I kill myself so I may go and help him, because I have a funny little quirk in my brain which helps.
6 palmy each at a few years sport. Our god will send them into the world.
Single male, age 13
I know what I am doing. Annette found out. Ask Cara. I love you all.
Bill
Widowed female, age 52 (Her husband died three months before.)
Please tell Ron's folks I love them very much but my heart breaks when I see or hear from them. Also all our friends especially Irene and Charles and Ella I love them also. Forgive me for not seeing them.
Everyone seems so happy and I am so alone. Amy. I wanted to visit you but I am going around in a dream. Alice I wanted to help you paint but how could I with a broken heart. And my head aches so much any more my nerves are ready to break and what would happen if they did.
You will say I am crazy and I can't go on this way just half living.
I loved this house once but now it is so full of memories I can't stay here. I have tried to think of some way to go on but can't. Am so nervous all the time -- I loved Ron too much but is that a sin, with him gone I have nothing. Oh I have the girls and family but they don't fill the vacant spot left in my heart ...
Xmas is coming I can't go on I'm afraid I would break down. I've thought of this so many times. I love every one but I can't be one of you any more. Please think kindly of me and forgive me. I only hope this is fatal then I can rest and no more trouble to any one. Do with Lisa whats best I know she has been a lot of worry to mama and I'm sorry. I tried to keep the yard up that seemed to be the only comfort I had. I loved it but that wasn't anything. I've lost every thing so why go on. I worshipped Ron and when he went I lost my whole world and everything.
I'm so tired and lonely.
There goes a siren. Oh how can I stand being left. I need to go to a Dr. but I am afraid. I'm so cold.
Mother Love, Louise
Married male, age 40
Jimmy!
Remember what I told you and always respect, protect and obey your mother and always remember that I love you so much. I am going to leave you forever because I am too sick to go on. God bless you my Son and when your time comes to go to Heaven you will find your ole Pappy waiting for you.
Daddy
Single female, age 16
Dear Mother & Dad,
Please forgive me. I have tried to be good to you both. I love you both very much and wanted to get along with you both. I have tried.
I have wanted to go out with you and Dad but I was always afraid to ask for I always felt that the answer would be no.
And about Bud, I want to dismiss every idea about him. I don't like him any more than a companion, for a while I thought I did but no more, in fact, I am quite tired of him, as you know, I get tired of everyone after a while.
And mother, I wish that you hadn't called me a liar, and said I was just like Hap. as I'm not. It is just that I am afraid of you both at times, but I love you both very much.
So Long
Your loving daughter
that will always
love you
Mary
P.S. Please forgive me. I want you to, and don't think for one minute that I haven't appreciate everything you've done.
Single male, age 35 (He committed suicide after he killed his girlfriend.)
Mommie, my Darling,
To love you as I do and live without you is more than I can bear. I love you so completely, wholeheartedly without restraint. I worship you, that is my fault. With your indifference to me; is the difference. I've tried so hard to make our lives pleasant and lovable, but you didn't seem to care. You had great plans which didn't include me. You didn't respect me. That was the trouble. You treated me like a child. I couldn't reach you as a man and woman or man and wife as we've lived. I let you know my feelings toward you when I shouldn't have. How I loved you, what you meant to me. Without you life is unbearable.
This is the best way. This will solve all our problems. You can't hurt me further and anyone else. I was a "toll" while you needed me or thought you did. But now that I could use some help, you won't supply the need that was prominent when you need it. So, good bye my love. If it is possible to love in the hereafter, I will love you even after death. May God have mercy on both our souls. He alone knows my heartache and sorrow and love for you.
Daddy
Single female, age 31
My boss, Kenneth J., seduced me and made me pregnant. He refuses to help me. I had not had intercourse in two years. He says that I will have to suffer through it by myself.
Several people know about this -- my doctor, Dr. James R., and Pete M., who works at Willams. Pete and I never had a love affair, although Kenneth would like to drag Pete into it. Also, Dr. Arnold W. knows about it.
I have always been such a good girl.
Daddy dear --
As much as it hurts me, I cannot make it this Friday. I may be in very serious trouble. I have always been a very good person, but it looks like I really got in a mess, through no real fault of my own.
I must have been born to suffer.
Love - Elizabeth
P.S. Call me if you can. When will Sally be back? I may need her desperately.
Married man, age 52
Dear Joan,
For 23 years we lived happy together. Our married life was ideal, until two years ago when I witnessed Kristy die in the hospital something snapped in me. You remember when I returned from the hospital I broke down. That was the beginning of my illness. Since then my condition was getting progressively worse, I could neither work or think logically. You have been thru "Hell" with me since then. Only you and I know how much you have lived thru. I feel that I will not improve and can't keep on causing you and the children so much misery. I loved you and was proud of you. I loved the children dearly and could not see them suffer so much on account of me.
Dear Children:
Please forgive me.
Love, Frank
Divorced female, age 37
To No-one and Everyone:
Because of a growing conviction that a hereditary insanity is manifesting itself beyond my control, I am taking this way out -- before mere nuisance attacks and rages against others assume a more dangerous form.
Because I am an agnostic and believe funeral fanfare to be nonsense -- I ask that it be forgotten. Instead, knowing there to be a marked shortage of cadavers for the medical profession, for which I have endless respect, I hereby bequeath 1) my body to medics for dissection; also 2) To Mark B. all personal effects -- to be divided as whim decrees -- with Dr. Lois J., L.A. and to each -- a deep fondness and love. 3) To Joe A. the greatest devotion -- the kind that "passeth all understanding." 3a) And my life.
Anita R.
4) To my father, Vincent M., the sum of one dollar ($1)
Trina, a college student, 21 years old
Fall quarter I called Suicide Prevention. I'd called them before and the people were nice, but this time the woman acted a little indignant. "Why the hell do you want to do something like that?" she asked. We talked until she said she had other phone calls. But she made me promise I wouldn't try it without calling back first. I had a bottle of Coricidin from a wisdom tooth operation. I'd been thinking about it for a month off and on. Much later that night I took ten Coricidin and went to bed. I woke up in the morning feeling really rotten -- weepy, groggy. I could hardly move I thought I was going to die any minute. My roommate came home and got a friend to drive me to the school infirmary, where they gave me something that made me sick to my stomach. The doctor who gave it to me calmed me down. She said it happens to a lot of people, the pills wouldn't hurt me. I felt tingly, like I might pass out any minute.
I was immediately taken in a wheelchair to the psychiatrist's office. I talked to him about five minutes. He kept yelling ta me about why did I take the pills, why didn't I do this or that. I remember thinking, boy this man is a real jerk. I told him I didn't want to see him any more. He said, "That's fine," and put me in a locked room with bars on the windows. I couldn't make phone calls. I felt humiliated, which made me angry. I'm not crazy. I'm not weird. I don't want people to look at me like I'm nuts. I'm not some nutty kid who tried to knock herself off. I was most angry at being stuck in that room. I expected to be put in a straitjacket any minute. I complained until they moved me a pretty room and let me make phone calls.
I was there about two weeks. My psychiatrist kept harping at me about school -- was I going to stay in or drop out? I saw him ten minutes a day. The other patients and one orderly helped me a lot more than he did. I just wanted to find a place where I could be alone and think about things. I left feeling like not much had been accomplished, except letting me know that I didn't want to attempt it again. No -- I feel like I've become a lot more sensitive to people. I don't look at their problems as trivial any more. I almost like it when my friends come to me with problems. I feel like I can help now. I still haven't told the two people I was most angry at -- my father and my boyfriend -- why I was in the hospital.
Sandra, a clerk, 27 years old
A year ago March, while I was living in Michigan, I took an overdose of Elavil. I was seeing a psychiatrist and I was just getting off the medication. But the bottle was still in my apartment. I'd one out and had drinks, came home and that's when I did it -- about ten in the evening or so. I called my boyfriend Jonathan in California and my social worker. I told them I had taken the pills. The social worker told me to drive to the emergency room. I'd have been lucky to make it to the front door. Jonathan called a friend of mine, who came to the apartment and broke down the door. I was in a coma for five days. I guess I was lucky because the doctors told everybody I wasn't going to make it. Then they said I've have permanent brain damage. When it didn't happen they said it was the miracle of the floor. I was out of the hospital in about three weeks; a week of that was in the psychiatric ward, which was a real drag.
I had a lot of problems with my memory for a while. Even now I can't remember some things. Starting a week before the overdose I don't remember anything at all. All I know about it is what Jonathan says I told him over the phone. Everybody asks "Why did you do it?" and I don't know. It sounds real stupid.
Everybody in the hospital was real nice. I was afraid that they would get down on me but they didn't. It was a Catholic hospital, and I had my own room. Friends were there 24 hours a day. It made me realize how many friends I had. On the psychiatric ward they give you tests for brain damage. They ask you a lot of silly questions. They test your reflexes, your memory. They give you EKG tests. It took a while to get back my coordination. I couldn't write or do other things with my hands. Most of the time I stayed by myself. There were programs for the other patients but they didn't put me in any because they didn't know how long I would be staying.
I'd tried twice, but those times weren't serious. I was just trying to get some attention. The first time I was 14, and I slashed my wrists. It was basic adolescent scare tactics. As a result I ended up in an inpatient clinic for teenagers for about five months. Almost everybody there was there because they ran away or they were doing a lot of drugs. The second time was a couple of years ago. I did a Valium overdose. It wasn't very serious -- I just had to have my stomach pumped.
This time it shocked me to realize what could have happened to me. I realized how much I had hurt my friends and family, which I didn't think about before. I started wondering if people could trust me. It upset my life a lot -- it threw everything backwards. Jonathan flew in from California. HE said the scariest part was worrying about having to decide what to do if my body kept living but I had no brain response. When I first woke up I didn't think there would be anything wrong with me. And then it hit me that I couldn't move. I was embarrassed that people had to see me like that.
Once you're out of the hospital a lot of institutions won't hire you. You can't get health insurance. You have to lie on your job applications. People look at you like you're dangerous. It's real scary for some of my friends -- they think they're responsible. Trying to convince people that I was OK was the hardest thing. That they didn't have to watch over me, that I wasn't going to try it again.
Thomas, a hairdresser, 21 years old
I tried it five years ago. I was at a neighbor's house and fired a gun at my head. Nothing happened; it seemed empty. I fired it at a wall and put a bullet in it. So a minute later I found some Seconals in a medicine cabinet. I remember watching cartoons and taking the pills one by one. A neighbor lady found me and couldn't wake me up. I couldn't open my eyes or move, but I heard everything. I remember the lady shaking me and saying, "Oh, my God." I remember the ambulance people taking off my clothes and making me throw up. There wasn't any pain. I don't remember having my stomach pumped.
When I woke up it was five days later. A big black lady kept tickling me. "'Bout time you woke up," she said. "I've been tickling you for three days." I thought I was in heaven -- it looked like some place in heaven for the misfits. Turned out I was in the basement of a free clinic, a long room with rows of beds with all kinds of teenagers, pregnant girls, suicides, drug addicts. We walked around in gowns, smoking cigarettes and watching TV. The reason I tried was I was angry at my mother, but when she came in she just said, "Why'd you do this -- to try to get attention?"
Am I glad I was rescued? Oh yeah. I was so glad I didn't die. It made me realize how much I appreciate myself, because I had a glimpse of what I might have lost. I had some friends and I would've missed them. I didn't have to go home after that. They put me in a foster home. The State made me go to a psychiatrist. I never liked the man. I thought he had more problems than I did. I felt drugged and slow for a couple of years. Every now and then I'd take speed to feel normal. Downers still make me feel speedy. If I had a suicidal friend now I'd ask them, "Why don't you have any alternatives? Could it really be so awful?" That's what I say to myself now.
These suicide notes were gathered at the coroners' offices by a suicidologist/psychiatrist who asked to be anonymous. He edited identifying details out of the compiled manuscript, and we changed the names. But the text of each letter plus the age and sex given are real. All these people did kill themselves. Were they ambivalent about it? About half the hundred or so letters we saw seemed to have some element of doubt.
(There's a strange story in computer folklore about a suicide note that appeared late one night on the Arpanet computer network. The other people on the network had regularly corresponded with the mean, but always under the name of his lab not his own name. When the message saying he was killing himself flashed on the screen they tried to call the police, but nobody could identify him, and he died.) -- Art Kleiner
Married Female, age 59
Dear David,
After six weeks of streptomycin shots and a total of eleven weeks of rest in bed we have conclusive proof that the ulcers in my bronchial tubes have not healed. The short period of the streptomycin inhalations could not have brought on the results if the ulceration had even partially healed. To try further would mean many more months of bed rest -- more shots and inhalations -- I can't remain at the hospital for the winter months and a prolonged stay at a rest home is out of the question. I did some figuring -- the weekly rate there -- the amount of streptomycin for shots and inhalations plus the doctor's weekly visits would total to over $200 a week -- I can't bleed my family for any such amount of money, and that means that as soon as the money I have in my checking account runs out I would have to return home -- back to the same conditions which caused me to go downhill so steadily. It's a vicious circle from which there seems no escape. I could of course use up the money from the sale of our furnishings and silver as well as some I put aside for the furnishing of our home -- but all it put together would be like a drop ion the bucket -- besides I am now convinced that my condition is too chronic and therefore a cure doubtful.
All of a sudden all will and determination to fight on has left me. I have long ago prepared myself for the time when I reached the end of the trail. I feel calm and at peace and grateful that I can go to sleep painlessly. I feel justified in terminating a life which no longer holds any hope of having the essentials which make it worth living -- I did desperately want to get well -- I still had much to live for -- hope for recovery -- hope of a reunion with the children -- work which I loved and which could have given me financial security and great satisfaction. But it was not to be -- I am defeated and exhausted physically and emotionally.
Please tell the children that I loved them always and that my love has never faltered. I grieve that I could not have had the joy of being close to our babies, but that is no one's fault. Thank God they are well -- with my passing all menace to their wellbeing will have disappeared.
I want you to know that I have a deep affection for you. I am deeply grateful for all your kindness. I wish I could have made a happier life for you. It was mostly my fault, please forgive me.
Please write to Fran and Tony and to Marilyn and Jim and tell them that my love and gratitude could not possibly be put into words. Their generosity, devotion, love and tact made it possible for me to accept their financial help over a long period of time. I wish with all my heart that they might have been better rewarded -- All of you, my dear ones, I ask to keep my memory alive in your hearts -- To live on in the hearts of our dear ones is all that I can conceive of immortality. Please think of me kindly. Remember that which was good and lovely in our relationship and forgive me for the many mistakes I have made. Now that it is all said I feel at peace.
I want Dr. B. to officiate at my funeral. I think Joe would like to have him with him at that time.
Dear David,
I am said that I must go just a few days before your birthday -- but it so happened to pan out. I see no good in incurring the expense and misery of the bronchoscopy. I wish I could spare you the ordeal you have ahead. Try not to grieve. I ask all of you, my dear ones, not to mourn my passing. Be glad I am at least free from the misery of the bronchoscopy. I wish I could spare you the ordeal you have ahead. Try not to grieve. I ask all of you, my dear ones, not to mourn my passing. Be glad I am at least free from the miseries and loneliness I have endured for so long and that at last I'll have peace and rest...
Single female, age 21
My dearest Andrew,
It seems as if I have been spending all my life apologizing to you for things that happened whether they were my fault or not.
I am enclosing your pin because I want you to think of what you took from me every time you see it.
I don't want you to think I would kill myself over you because you're not worth any emotion at all. It is what you cost me that hurts and nothing can replace it.
Single male, age 51
Sunday 4:45 PM. Here goes
To who it may concern
Though I am about to kick the bucket I am as happy as ever. I am tired of this life so am going over to see the other side.
Good luck to all.
Benjamin P.
Married male, age 48
Elaine, Darling,
My mind -- always warped and twisted -- has reached the point where I can wait no longer -- I don't dare wait longer -- until there is the final twist and it snaps and I spend the rest of my life in some state run snake pit.
I am going out -- and I hope it is out -- Nirvanha, I think the Bhudaists (how do you spell Bhudaists?) call it which is the word for "nothing." That's as I have told you for years, is what I want. Imagine God playing a dirty trick on me like another life!!!
I've lived 47 years -- there aren't 47 days I would live over again if I could avoid it.
Let us, for a moment be sensible. I do ont remember if the partnership agreement provides for a case like this -- but if it doesn't and I think it doesn't, I would much prefer -- I haven't time to make this a legal requirement -- but, I would much prefer that you, as executrix under my will, do not elect to participate in profits for 2 or 3 years or whatever it may be that is specified there. My partners have been generous with me while I worked with them. There is no reason why, under the circumstances of my withdrawal from the firm, they should pay anything more.
I could wish that I had, for my goodby kiss, a .38 police special with which I have made some good scores -- not records but at least made my mark. Instead, I have this black bitch -- bitch, if the word is not familiar to you -- but at least an honest one who will mean what she says.
The neighbors may think it's a motor backfire ,but to me she will whisper -- "Rest - Sleep."
Albert
P.S. I think there is enough insurance to see Valerie through school, but if there isn't -- I am sure you would out of the insurance payments, at least --
I hope further and I don't insist that you have the ordinary decency -- decency that is -- to do so -- Will you see Valerie through college -- she is the only one about whom I am concerned as this .38 whispers in my ear.
Married male, age 45
My darling,
May her guts rot in hell -- I loved her so much.
Henry
Divorced female, age 61
You cops will want to know why I did it, well, just let us say that I lived 61 years too many.
People have always put obstacles in my way. One of the great ones is leaving this world when you want to and have nothing to live for.
I am not insane. My mind was never more clear. It has been a long day. The motor got so hot it would not run so I just had to sit here and wait. The breaks were against me to the last.
The sun is leaving the hill now so hope nothing else happens.
Married male, age 74
What is a few short years to live in hell. That is all I get around here.
No more I will pay the bills.
No more I will drive the car.
No more I will wash, iron & mend any clothes.
No more I will have to eat the leftover articles that was cooked the day before.
This is no way to live.
Either is it any way to die.
Her grub I can not eat.
At night I can not sleep.
I married the wrong nag-nag-nag and I lost my life.
W.S.
to the undertaker
We have got plenty money to give me a decent burial. Don't let my wife kid you by saying she has not got any money.
Give this note to the cops.
Give me liberty or give me death.
W.S.
Married male, age 45
Dear Claudia,
You win, I can't take it any longer, I know you have been waiting for this to happen. I hope it makes you very happy, this is not an easy thing to do, but I've got to the point where there is nothing to live for, a little bit of kindness from you would of made everything so different, but all that ever interested you was the dollar.
It is pretty hard for me to do anything when you are so greedy even with this house you couldn't even be fair with that, well it's all yours now and you won't have to see the Lawyer anymore.
I wish you would you give my personal things to Danny, you couldn't get much from selling them anyway, you still have my insurance, it isn't much but it will be enough to take care of my debts and still have a few bucks left.
You always told me that I was the one that made Sharon take her life, in fact you said I killed her, but you know down deep in your heart it was you that made her do what she did, and now you have two deaths to your credit, it should make you feel very proud.
Good By Kid
P.S. Disregard all the mean things I've said in this letter, I have said a lot of things to you I didn't really mean and I hope you get well and wish you the best of everything.
Cathy -- don't come in.
Call your mother, she will know what to do.
Love
Daddy
Cathy don't go in the bedroom.
Married female, age 50
When a "man" doesn't know where to take his wife -- then she isn't a wife any more --
I hope you will be "free" to take anyone any place and I'm sure you will not have any trouble as to places --
Please don't tell my mother the truth -- your whole tribe is partly responsible for this -- from your mother on down -- hope they are satisfied.
Married female, age 56
About the Evil god (yes)
About the Evil Seers killing people for their money (yes)
I am a profit at my death
I am a root of the stem of Jesse (yes)
We have made many discoveries. We have found out who the people with the mark of the beast are. And the devil was a human being now killed and cast into hell and the angel with the keys of the bottomless pit is in hell casting out all the good souls which these evil people have cast into hell for no reason. The good Seers who serve our God are 1/3 to 2/3 of the evil ones in this world. We are better than holding our owne but in Heaven God is almost over come and I kill myself so I may go and help him, because I have a funny little quirk in my brain which helps.
6 palmy each at a few years sport. Our god will send them into the world.
Single male, age 13
I know what I am doing. Annette found out. Ask Cara. I love you all.
Bill
Widowed female, age 52 (Her husband died three months before.)
Please tell Ron's folks I love them very much but my heart breaks when I see or hear from them. Also all our friends especially Irene and Charles and Ella I love them also. Forgive me for not seeing them.
Everyone seems so happy and I am so alone. Amy. I wanted to visit you but I am going around in a dream. Alice I wanted to help you paint but how could I with a broken heart. And my head aches so much any more my nerves are ready to break and what would happen if they did.
You will say I am crazy and I can't go on this way just half living.
I loved this house once but now it is so full of memories I can't stay here. I have tried to think of some way to go on but can't. Am so nervous all the time -- I loved Ron too much but is that a sin, with him gone I have nothing. Oh I have the girls and family but they don't fill the vacant spot left in my heart ...
Xmas is coming I can't go on I'm afraid I would break down. I've thought of this so many times. I love every one but I can't be one of you any more. Please think kindly of me and forgive me. I only hope this is fatal then I can rest and no more trouble to any one. Do with Lisa whats best I know she has been a lot of worry to mama and I'm sorry. I tried to keep the yard up that seemed to be the only comfort I had. I loved it but that wasn't anything. I've lost every thing so why go on. I worshipped Ron and when he went I lost my whole world and everything.
I'm so tired and lonely.
There goes a siren. Oh how can I stand being left. I need to go to a Dr. but I am afraid. I'm so cold.
Mother Love, Louise
Married male, age 40
Jimmy!
Remember what I told you and always respect, protect and obey your mother and always remember that I love you so much. I am going to leave you forever because I am too sick to go on. God bless you my Son and when your time comes to go to Heaven you will find your ole Pappy waiting for you.
Daddy
Single female, age 16
Dear Mother & Dad,
Please forgive me. I have tried to be good to you both. I love you both very much and wanted to get along with you both. I have tried.
I have wanted to go out with you and Dad but I was always afraid to ask for I always felt that the answer would be no.
And about Bud, I want to dismiss every idea about him. I don't like him any more than a companion, for a while I thought I did but no more, in fact, I am quite tired of him, as you know, I get tired of everyone after a while.
And mother, I wish that you hadn't called me a liar, and said I was just like Hap. as I'm not. It is just that I am afraid of you both at times, but I love you both very much.
So Long
Your loving daughter
that will always
love you
Mary
P.S. Please forgive me. I want you to, and don't think for one minute that I haven't appreciate everything you've done.
Single male, age 35 (He committed suicide after he killed his girlfriend.)
Mommie, my Darling,
To love you as I do and live without you is more than I can bear. I love you so completely, wholeheartedly without restraint. I worship you, that is my fault. With your indifference to me; is the difference. I've tried so hard to make our lives pleasant and lovable, but you didn't seem to care. You had great plans which didn't include me. You didn't respect me. That was the trouble. You treated me like a child. I couldn't reach you as a man and woman or man and wife as we've lived. I let you know my feelings toward you when I shouldn't have. How I loved you, what you meant to me. Without you life is unbearable.
This is the best way. This will solve all our problems. You can't hurt me further and anyone else. I was a "toll" while you needed me or thought you did. But now that I could use some help, you won't supply the need that was prominent when you need it. So, good bye my love. If it is possible to love in the hereafter, I will love you even after death. May God have mercy on both our souls. He alone knows my heartache and sorrow and love for you.
Daddy
Single female, age 31
My boss, Kenneth J., seduced me and made me pregnant. He refuses to help me. I had not had intercourse in two years. He says that I will have to suffer through it by myself.
Several people know about this -- my doctor, Dr. James R., and Pete M., who works at Willams. Pete and I never had a love affair, although Kenneth would like to drag Pete into it. Also, Dr. Arnold W. knows about it.
I have always been such a good girl.
Daddy dear --
As much as it hurts me, I cannot make it this Friday. I may be in very serious trouble. I have always been a very good person, but it looks like I really got in a mess, through no real fault of my own.
I must have been born to suffer.
Love - Elizabeth
P.S. Call me if you can. When will Sally be back? I may need her desperately.
Married man, age 52
Dear Joan,
For 23 years we lived happy together. Our married life was ideal, until two years ago when I witnessed Kristy die in the hospital something snapped in me. You remember when I returned from the hospital I broke down. That was the beginning of my illness. Since then my condition was getting progressively worse, I could neither work or think logically. You have been thru "Hell" with me since then. Only you and I know how much you have lived thru. I feel that I will not improve and can't keep on causing you and the children so much misery. I loved you and was proud of you. I loved the children dearly and could not see them suffer so much on account of me.
Dear Children:
Please forgive me.
Love, Frank
Divorced female, age 37
To No-one and Everyone:
Because of a growing conviction that a hereditary insanity is manifesting itself beyond my control, I am taking this way out -- before mere nuisance attacks and rages against others assume a more dangerous form.
Because I am an agnostic and believe funeral fanfare to be nonsense -- I ask that it be forgotten. Instead, knowing there to be a marked shortage of cadavers for the medical profession, for which I have endless respect, I hereby bequeath 1) my body to medics for dissection; also 2) To Mark B. all personal effects -- to be divided as whim decrees -- with Dr. Lois J., L.A. and to each -- a deep fondness and love. 3) To Joe A. the greatest devotion -- the kind that "passeth all understanding." 3a) And my life.
Anita R.
4) To my father, Vincent M., the sum of one dollar ($1)
Trina, a college student, 21 years old
Fall quarter I called Suicide Prevention. I'd called them before and the people were nice, but this time the woman acted a little indignant. "Why the hell do you want to do something like that?" she asked. We talked until she said she had other phone calls. But she made me promise I wouldn't try it without calling back first. I had a bottle of Coricidin from a wisdom tooth operation. I'd been thinking about it for a month off and on. Much later that night I took ten Coricidin and went to bed. I woke up in the morning feeling really rotten -- weepy, groggy. I could hardly move I thought I was going to die any minute. My roommate came home and got a friend to drive me to the school infirmary, where they gave me something that made me sick to my stomach. The doctor who gave it to me calmed me down. She said it happens to a lot of people, the pills wouldn't hurt me. I felt tingly, like I might pass out any minute.
I was immediately taken in a wheelchair to the psychiatrist's office. I talked to him about five minutes. He kept yelling ta me about why did I take the pills, why didn't I do this or that. I remember thinking, boy this man is a real jerk. I told him I didn't want to see him any more. He said, "That's fine," and put me in a locked room with bars on the windows. I couldn't make phone calls. I felt humiliated, which made me angry. I'm not crazy. I'm not weird. I don't want people to look at me like I'm nuts. I'm not some nutty kid who tried to knock herself off. I was most angry at being stuck in that room. I expected to be put in a straitjacket any minute. I complained until they moved me a pretty room and let me make phone calls.
I was there about two weeks. My psychiatrist kept harping at me about school -- was I going to stay in or drop out? I saw him ten minutes a day. The other patients and one orderly helped me a lot more than he did. I just wanted to find a place where I could be alone and think about things. I left feeling like not much had been accomplished, except letting me know that I didn't want to attempt it again. No -- I feel like I've become a lot more sensitive to people. I don't look at their problems as trivial any more. I almost like it when my friends come to me with problems. I feel like I can help now. I still haven't told the two people I was most angry at -- my father and my boyfriend -- why I was in the hospital.
Sandra, a clerk, 27 years old
A year ago March, while I was living in Michigan, I took an overdose of Elavil. I was seeing a psychiatrist and I was just getting off the medication. But the bottle was still in my apartment. I'd one out and had drinks, came home and that's when I did it -- about ten in the evening or so. I called my boyfriend Jonathan in California and my social worker. I told them I had taken the pills. The social worker told me to drive to the emergency room. I'd have been lucky to make it to the front door. Jonathan called a friend of mine, who came to the apartment and broke down the door. I was in a coma for five days. I guess I was lucky because the doctors told everybody I wasn't going to make it. Then they said I've have permanent brain damage. When it didn't happen they said it was the miracle of the floor. I was out of the hospital in about three weeks; a week of that was in the psychiatric ward, which was a real drag.
I had a lot of problems with my memory for a while. Even now I can't remember some things. Starting a week before the overdose I don't remember anything at all. All I know about it is what Jonathan says I told him over the phone. Everybody asks "Why did you do it?" and I don't know. It sounds real stupid.
Everybody in the hospital was real nice. I was afraid that they would get down on me but they didn't. It was a Catholic hospital, and I had my own room. Friends were there 24 hours a day. It made me realize how many friends I had. On the psychiatric ward they give you tests for brain damage. They ask you a lot of silly questions. They test your reflexes, your memory. They give you EKG tests. It took a while to get back my coordination. I couldn't write or do other things with my hands. Most of the time I stayed by myself. There were programs for the other patients but they didn't put me in any because they didn't know how long I would be staying.
I'd tried twice, but those times weren't serious. I was just trying to get some attention. The first time I was 14, and I slashed my wrists. It was basic adolescent scare tactics. As a result I ended up in an inpatient clinic for teenagers for about five months. Almost everybody there was there because they ran away or they were doing a lot of drugs. The second time was a couple of years ago. I did a Valium overdose. It wasn't very serious -- I just had to have my stomach pumped.
This time it shocked me to realize what could have happened to me. I realized how much I had hurt my friends and family, which I didn't think about before. I started wondering if people could trust me. It upset my life a lot -- it threw everything backwards. Jonathan flew in from California. HE said the scariest part was worrying about having to decide what to do if my body kept living but I had no brain response. When I first woke up I didn't think there would be anything wrong with me. And then it hit me that I couldn't move. I was embarrassed that people had to see me like that.
Once you're out of the hospital a lot of institutions won't hire you. You can't get health insurance. You have to lie on your job applications. People look at you like you're dangerous. It's real scary for some of my friends -- they think they're responsible. Trying to convince people that I was OK was the hardest thing. That they didn't have to watch over me, that I wasn't going to try it again.
Thomas, a hairdresser, 21 years old
I tried it five years ago. I was at a neighbor's house and fired a gun at my head. Nothing happened; it seemed empty. I fired it at a wall and put a bullet in it. So a minute later I found some Seconals in a medicine cabinet. I remember watching cartoons and taking the pills one by one. A neighbor lady found me and couldn't wake me up. I couldn't open my eyes or move, but I heard everything. I remember the lady shaking me and saying, "Oh, my God." I remember the ambulance people taking off my clothes and making me throw up. There wasn't any pain. I don't remember having my stomach pumped.
When I woke up it was five days later. A big black lady kept tickling me. "'Bout time you woke up," she said. "I've been tickling you for three days." I thought I was in heaven -- it looked like some place in heaven for the misfits. Turned out I was in the basement of a free clinic, a long room with rows of beds with all kinds of teenagers, pregnant girls, suicides, drug addicts. We walked around in gowns, smoking cigarettes and watching TV. The reason I tried was I was angry at my mother, but when she came in she just said, "Why'd you do this -- to try to get attention?"
Am I glad I was rescued? Oh yeah. I was so glad I didn't die. It made me realize how much I appreciate myself, because I had a glimpse of what I might have lost. I had some friends and I would've missed them. I didn't have to go home after that. They put me in a foster home. The State made me go to a psychiatrist. I never liked the man. I thought he had more problems than I did. I felt drugged and slow for a couple of years. Every now and then I'd take speed to feel normal. Downers still make me feel speedy. If I had a suicidal friend now I'd ask them, "Why don't you have any alternatives? Could it really be so awful?" That's what I say to myself now.
The Story of Louis Braille
There was a time, not long ago, when most people thought that blind people could never learn to read. People thought that the only way to read was to look at words with your eyes.
A young French boy named Louis Braille thought otherwise. Blind from the age of three, young Louis desperately wanted to read. He realized the vast world of thought and ideas that was locked out to him because of his disability. And he was determined to find the key to this door for himself, and for all other blind persons.
This story begins in the early part of the nineteenth century. Louis Braille was born in 1809, in a small village near Paris. His father made harnesses and other leather goods to sell to the other villagers. Louis' father often used sharp tools to cut and punch holes in the leather.
One of the tools he used to makes holes was a sharp awl. An awl is a tool that looks like a short pointed stick, with a round, wooden handle. While playing with one of his father's awls, Louis' hand slipped and he accidentally poked one of his eyes. At first the injury didn't seem serious, but then the wound became infected. A few days later young Louis lost sight in both his eyes. The first few days after becoming blind were very hard.
But as the days went by Louis learned to adapt and learned to lead an otherwise normal life. He went to school with all his friends and did well at his studies. He was both intelligent and creative. He wasn't going to let his disability slow him down one bit.
As he grew older, he realized that the small school he attended did not have the money and resources he needed. He heard of a school in Paris that was especially for blind students. Louis didn't have to think twice about going. He packed his bags and went off to find himself a solid education.
When he arrived at the special school for the blind, he asked his teacher if the school had books for blind persons to read. Louis found that the school did have books for the blind to read.
These books had large letters that were raised up off the page. Since the letters were so big, the books themselves were large and bulky. More importantly, the books were expensive to buy. The school had exactly fourteen of them.
Louis set about reading all fourteen books in the school library. He could feel each letter, but it took him a long time to read a sentence. It took a few seconds to reach each word and by the time he reached the end of a sentence, he almost forgot what the beginning of the sentence was about. Louis knew there must be a better way.
There must be a way for a blind person to quickly feel the words on a page. There must be a way for a blind person to read as quickly and as easily as a sighted person.
That day he set himself the goal of thinking up a system for blind people to read. He would try to think of some alphabet code to make his 'finger reading' as quick and easy as sighted reading.
Now Louis was a tremendously creative person. He learned to play the cello and organ at a young age. He was so talented an organist that he played at churches all over Paris.
Music was really his first love. It also happened to be a steady source of income. Louis had great confidence in his own creative abilities.
He knew that he was as intelligent and creative as any other person his own age. And his musical talent showed how much he could accomplish when given a chance.
One day chance walked in the door. Somebody at the school heard about an alphabet code that was being used by the French army. This code was used to deliver messages at night from officers to soldiers. The messages could not be written on paper because the soldier would have to strike a match to read it.
The light from the match would give the enemy a target at which to shoot. The alphabet code was made up of small dots and dashes. These symbols were raised up off the paper so that soldiers could read them by running their fingers over them. Once the soldiers understood the code, everything worked fine.
Louis got hold of some of this code and tried it out. It was much better than reading the gigantic books with gigantic raised letters.
But the army code was still slow and cumbersome. The dashes took up a lot of space on a page. Each page could only hold one or two sentences. Louis knew that he could improve this alphabet in some way.
On his next vacation home, he would spend all his time working on finding a way to make this improvement. When he arrived home for school vacation, he was greeted warmly by his parents.
His mother and father always encouraged him on his music and other school projects. Louis sat down to think about how he could improve the system of dots and dashes. He liked the idea of the raised dots, but could do without the raised dashes.
As he sat there in his father's leather shop, he picked up one of his father's blunt awls. The idea came to him in a flash. The very tool which had caused him to go blind could be used to make a raised dot alphabet that would enable him to read.
The next few days he spent working on an alphabet made up entirely of six dots. The position of the different dots would represent the different letters of the alphabet.
Louis used the blunt awl to punch out a sentence. He read it quickly from left to right. Everything made sense. It worked...
A young French boy named Louis Braille thought otherwise. Blind from the age of three, young Louis desperately wanted to read. He realized the vast world of thought and ideas that was locked out to him because of his disability. And he was determined to find the key to this door for himself, and for all other blind persons.
This story begins in the early part of the nineteenth century. Louis Braille was born in 1809, in a small village near Paris. His father made harnesses and other leather goods to sell to the other villagers. Louis' father often used sharp tools to cut and punch holes in the leather.
One of the tools he used to makes holes was a sharp awl. An awl is a tool that looks like a short pointed stick, with a round, wooden handle. While playing with one of his father's awls, Louis' hand slipped and he accidentally poked one of his eyes. At first the injury didn't seem serious, but then the wound became infected. A few days later young Louis lost sight in both his eyes. The first few days after becoming blind were very hard.
But as the days went by Louis learned to adapt and learned to lead an otherwise normal life. He went to school with all his friends and did well at his studies. He was both intelligent and creative. He wasn't going to let his disability slow him down one bit.
As he grew older, he realized that the small school he attended did not have the money and resources he needed. He heard of a school in Paris that was especially for blind students. Louis didn't have to think twice about going. He packed his bags and went off to find himself a solid education.
When he arrived at the special school for the blind, he asked his teacher if the school had books for blind persons to read. Louis found that the school did have books for the blind to read.
These books had large letters that were raised up off the page. Since the letters were so big, the books themselves were large and bulky. More importantly, the books were expensive to buy. The school had exactly fourteen of them.
Louis set about reading all fourteen books in the school library. He could feel each letter, but it took him a long time to read a sentence. It took a few seconds to reach each word and by the time he reached the end of a sentence, he almost forgot what the beginning of the sentence was about. Louis knew there must be a better way.
There must be a way for a blind person to quickly feel the words on a page. There must be a way for a blind person to read as quickly and as easily as a sighted person.
That day he set himself the goal of thinking up a system for blind people to read. He would try to think of some alphabet code to make his 'finger reading' as quick and easy as sighted reading.
Now Louis was a tremendously creative person. He learned to play the cello and organ at a young age. He was so talented an organist that he played at churches all over Paris.
Music was really his first love. It also happened to be a steady source of income. Louis had great confidence in his own creative abilities.
He knew that he was as intelligent and creative as any other person his own age. And his musical talent showed how much he could accomplish when given a chance.
One day chance walked in the door. Somebody at the school heard about an alphabet code that was being used by the French army. This code was used to deliver messages at night from officers to soldiers. The messages could not be written on paper because the soldier would have to strike a match to read it.
The light from the match would give the enemy a target at which to shoot. The alphabet code was made up of small dots and dashes. These symbols were raised up off the paper so that soldiers could read them by running their fingers over them. Once the soldiers understood the code, everything worked fine.
Louis got hold of some of this code and tried it out. It was much better than reading the gigantic books with gigantic raised letters.
But the army code was still slow and cumbersome. The dashes took up a lot of space on a page. Each page could only hold one or two sentences. Louis knew that he could improve this alphabet in some way.
On his next vacation home, he would spend all his time working on finding a way to make this improvement. When he arrived home for school vacation, he was greeted warmly by his parents.
His mother and father always encouraged him on his music and other school projects. Louis sat down to think about how he could improve the system of dots and dashes. He liked the idea of the raised dots, but could do without the raised dashes.
As he sat there in his father's leather shop, he picked up one of his father's blunt awls. The idea came to him in a flash. The very tool which had caused him to go blind could be used to make a raised dot alphabet that would enable him to read.
The next few days he spent working on an alphabet made up entirely of six dots. The position of the different dots would represent the different letters of the alphabet.
Louis used the blunt awl to punch out a sentence. He read it quickly from left to right. Everything made sense. It worked...
History of guitar
The guitar's roots are in Spain. Realistically, it cannot be traced back further than the 15th Century. It is thought to have been invented by the people of Malaga. This early instrument was a "four course" guitar, from which the ukulele is derived. The first guitars were very small, and were originally strung with four pair of strings. Each pair was call a course.
During the Renaissance, the guitar never had the respect the lute enjoyed. It was not considered a serious instrument. The first publication for guitar is thought to have been Alonso Mudarra's "Tres Libros de Musica en Cifras para Vihuela." Eventually, the guitar began to attract players, more publications and music began to appear.
During the During the Baroque period, A fifth course was added. Even more music became available. It's repertoire and the complexity of the music increased.
The fifth course was tuned in one of three ways.
A low "A" as it is now.
A low "A" plus an octave for the second part of the course
Both strings an "A" an octave higher than the modern guitar.
If a modern player really wants to have a complete, accurate repertoire of the Baroque Guitar, it would be necessary to either re-string for different pieces, or have at least three instruments for the different tunings.
At the end of the Baroque period two significant changes were made. The double strings were replaced by single strings, and instead of five pari, there were six single strings.
During the Classical period there were many publications, composers and performers. Fernando Sor, Mauro Guilliani, Matteo Carcassi, Fernando Carulli and many others wrote music, published methods and performed concerts. The guitar was very popular and guitar concerts were common.
Sor played the guitar as a solo instrument at the London Philharmonic Concert in 1817. In memoirs, George Hogarth stated: "He astonished the audience by his unrivaled execution." Paganinni was also active, playing and writing for the guitar as well as the violin. Stradivarius made guitars as well as violins.
At the end of the 19th century, the guitar had fallen out of favor, but was resurrected by Francisco Tarrega. His best piece in my opinion is the now very famous "Receurdos De La Alhambra." He did few public performances and chose to perform for friends at his home. He did compose, and he wrote a method for teaching guitar. He also transcribed many pieces of music for the guitar. Segovia was one of many guitarists that were influenced by him. Tarrega began the tradition of playing with the fingernails.
Up until this point the instrument itself was small and narrow. Antonio de Torres (1817 - 1892) worked with the design and construction of the guitar. He increased the size and experimented with anything that would improve the sound, and was especially interested in volume. He was the first maker to use "fan" bracing underneath the top. He once built a Guitar with a spruce top and paper mache back and sides to prove his theory that it was the top that produced most of the volume. He was the father of the modern guitar.
Some well known composers who played the guitar are Carl Maria Von Weber, Rossini and his wife, Verdi, and for many years Franz Schubert did his composing on his guitar which hung over his bed. He didn't have a piano at the time. Berlioz also composed the guitar.
Segovia performed, transcribed, taught and discovered a tremendous amount of music. He also encouraged many composers to write for the guitar. He was the first person to perform in a concert hall... Before Segovia, people believed this could not be done.
Although Segovia did all these things, the real debt that we owe to him is that of making the guitar truly a world instrument. By traveling and performing throughout the world, he brought respect and recognition to the instrument.
Nylon strings were a big improvement over gut strings. They replaced gut in 1946.
Today there are many concerts of guitar music. There are many societies and magazines devoted to the guitar.
Here follows a brief Timeline
1265 Juan Gil of Zamora mentions the early guitar in "Ars Musica.
1283-1350 Guitarra Latina & Guitar Moresca are mentioned multiple times in the poems of the Archpriest of Hita
1306 A "gitarer" was played at the Feast of Westminster in England
1404 "Der mynnen regein" by Eberhard Von Cersne makes reference to a "quinterne."
1487 Johannes Tinctoris described the guitarra as being invented by the Catalans. This refers to the four course guitar. Each course represents one pair of double strings.
1546 "Tres Libros de Musica en Cifras para Vihuela" by Alonso Mudarra is the first publication to include music for guitar.
1551-1555 Nine books of tablature were published by Adrian Le Roy. These include the first pieces for 5 course guitar. The addition of the fifth course was attributed to Vicente Espinel
1600-1650 Many publications of tablature for the guitar. It's popularity begins to rival the lute.
1674 Publication of "Guitarre Royal" by F. Corbetta increased the guitar's popularity. It was dedicated to Louis XIV.
1770-1800 A sixth string was added to the guitar and the courses were replaced by single strings.
1800-1850 Guitar enjoyed a large popularity both in performances and publishing. Fernando Sor, Mauro Guiliani, Matteo Carcassi and Dioniso Aguado all performed, taught, wrote and had published their compositions.
1850-1892 Guitar maker Antonio de Torres develops the larger more resonant instrument we know today.
1916 Segovia performs at Ateneo, the most important concert hall in Madrid. Before this it was thought that the guitar did not have the volume for this type of venue.
1946 Nylon replaces gut as a string material
During the Renaissance, the guitar never had the respect the lute enjoyed. It was not considered a serious instrument. The first publication for guitar is thought to have been Alonso Mudarra's "Tres Libros de Musica en Cifras para Vihuela." Eventually, the guitar began to attract players, more publications and music began to appear.
During the During the Baroque period, A fifth course was added. Even more music became available. It's repertoire and the complexity of the music increased.
The fifth course was tuned in one of three ways.
A low "A" as it is now.
A low "A" plus an octave for the second part of the course
Both strings an "A" an octave higher than the modern guitar.
If a modern player really wants to have a complete, accurate repertoire of the Baroque Guitar, it would be necessary to either re-string for different pieces, or have at least three instruments for the different tunings.
At the end of the Baroque period two significant changes were made. The double strings were replaced by single strings, and instead of five pari, there were six single strings.
During the Classical period there were many publications, composers and performers. Fernando Sor, Mauro Guilliani, Matteo Carcassi, Fernando Carulli and many others wrote music, published methods and performed concerts. The guitar was very popular and guitar concerts were common.
Sor played the guitar as a solo instrument at the London Philharmonic Concert in 1817. In memoirs, George Hogarth stated: "He astonished the audience by his unrivaled execution." Paganinni was also active, playing and writing for the guitar as well as the violin. Stradivarius made guitars as well as violins.
At the end of the 19th century, the guitar had fallen out of favor, but was resurrected by Francisco Tarrega. His best piece in my opinion is the now very famous "Receurdos De La Alhambra." He did few public performances and chose to perform for friends at his home. He did compose, and he wrote a method for teaching guitar. He also transcribed many pieces of music for the guitar. Segovia was one of many guitarists that were influenced by him. Tarrega began the tradition of playing with the fingernails.
Up until this point the instrument itself was small and narrow. Antonio de Torres (1817 - 1892) worked with the design and construction of the guitar. He increased the size and experimented with anything that would improve the sound, and was especially interested in volume. He was the first maker to use "fan" bracing underneath the top. He once built a Guitar with a spruce top and paper mache back and sides to prove his theory that it was the top that produced most of the volume. He was the father of the modern guitar.
Some well known composers who played the guitar are Carl Maria Von Weber, Rossini and his wife, Verdi, and for many years Franz Schubert did his composing on his guitar which hung over his bed. He didn't have a piano at the time. Berlioz also composed the guitar.
Segovia performed, transcribed, taught and discovered a tremendous amount of music. He also encouraged many composers to write for the guitar. He was the first person to perform in a concert hall... Before Segovia, people believed this could not be done.
Although Segovia did all these things, the real debt that we owe to him is that of making the guitar truly a world instrument. By traveling and performing throughout the world, he brought respect and recognition to the instrument.
Nylon strings were a big improvement over gut strings. They replaced gut in 1946.
Today there are many concerts of guitar music. There are many societies and magazines devoted to the guitar.
Here follows a brief Timeline
1265 Juan Gil of Zamora mentions the early guitar in "Ars Musica.
1283-1350 Guitarra Latina & Guitar Moresca are mentioned multiple times in the poems of the Archpriest of Hita
1306 A "gitarer" was played at the Feast of Westminster in England
1404 "Der mynnen regein" by Eberhard Von Cersne makes reference to a "quinterne."
1487 Johannes Tinctoris described the guitarra as being invented by the Catalans. This refers to the four course guitar. Each course represents one pair of double strings.
1546 "Tres Libros de Musica en Cifras para Vihuela" by Alonso Mudarra is the first publication to include music for guitar.
1551-1555 Nine books of tablature were published by Adrian Le Roy. These include the first pieces for 5 course guitar. The addition of the fifth course was attributed to Vicente Espinel
1600-1650 Many publications of tablature for the guitar. It's popularity begins to rival the lute.
1674 Publication of "Guitarre Royal" by F. Corbetta increased the guitar's popularity. It was dedicated to Louis XIV.
1770-1800 A sixth string was added to the guitar and the courses were replaced by single strings.
1800-1850 Guitar enjoyed a large popularity both in performances and publishing. Fernando Sor, Mauro Guiliani, Matteo Carcassi and Dioniso Aguado all performed, taught, wrote and had published their compositions.
1850-1892 Guitar maker Antonio de Torres develops the larger more resonant instrument we know today.
1916 Segovia performs at Ateneo, the most important concert hall in Madrid. Before this it was thought that the guitar did not have the volume for this type of venue.
1946 Nylon replaces gut as a string material
Bass Guitar Pickups and Controls
Now that we’ve established the difference between active and passive pickups, let’s look at different types of pickups that can fall into either the active or passive category.
Pickups consist of a magnet around which a copper wire is coiled. When the vibrations of a bass string disturb the magnetic field of the magnet, small voltage fluctuations in the copper coil are produced. These fluctuations are then transmitted to the bass amp, amplified and translated into sound.
There are two prominent pickup designs based on the number of coils used in a pickup’s construction – single-coil and double-coil.
Single-Coil Pickups
Single-coil pickups have one coil wrapped around the pickup’s magnet. Single-coil pickups are often bright and clear sounding. A drawback is they can pickup external noise and give off a humming sound. Radio waves, computer monitors, and florescent lighting can all cause this humming/buzzing. If two single-coil pickups are used (as on a Fender Jazz bass) and the pickup volumes are set equally, the noise will get cancelled out. If you just use one of the pickups, you may pickup some noise.
Double-Coil - Humbuckers
Just as two single-coil pickups can be put together to cancel hum, a double-coil pickup can be created to cancel the hum within one pickup. These pickups are often called humbuckers or humbucking pickups for their hum-reducing qualities.
Humbuckers tend to roll off some of the tonal highs when they cancel the hum and they usually have more output than single-coils.
Split-Coil Pickups
Split-coil pickups are basically double coil pickups split apart. This is what you see on Fender Precision basses. Instead of one double-coil underneath all 4 strings, the pickups are split in two — each under one pair of strings.
Piezo Pickups
Piezo pickups are less common on electric basses, but you may run into them. A piezo pickup senses the actual vibration of the string through contact with the string at the bridge contact point. These are often found in acoustic bass guitars. Since piezos don’t rely on magnets it is possible to use non-metal strings such as nylon strings. Piezos, without the right kind of pre-amp, can sound brittle and thin.
Optical Pickups
The newest kind of pickup available is the optical pickup. Optical pickups use light to sense the vibrations of the strings instead of magnets. These are still very uncommon, but may catch on.
Other Pickup Terminology:
Soapbar pickups refers to the shape of the pickup housing. They look like bars of black soap. Often found on 5- and 6-string bass guitars.
An MM-style pickup refers to pickups created by and used on MusicMan basses.
Bass Pickup Placement
Where the pickup is located along the length of the string plays an important role in the tonal characteristics of the pickup. As you get closer to the bridge, a string’s sound is thinner and brighter. As you near the neck, the tone is fuller and warmer. The tone put out by each pickup depends a lot on where the pickup is located beneath the bass strings.
Number of Pickups
Some basses, like the Fender Precision bass, have only one pickup. Many bass guitars have two pickups. With two pickups, the pickup nearest the neck is called the neck pickup and the one nearest the bridge is called the bridge pickup.
The neck pickup gives off fatter, warmer tones while the bridge pickup has a brighter, thinner sound.
You can emphasize or de-emphasize either pickup to get a wide range of tones.
Bass Pickup Summary
If you are buying your first bass, I would suggest getting a P-J pickup configuration. This means one humbucking P-bass (Precision bass) style pickup near the neck and one J-bass (Jazz bass) style pickup near the bridge. This way you get a wide variety of tones and you can get an idea of the sonic qualities of each type of pickup. If you don’t want a P-J setup, at least be sure to get something with two pickups. You want the tonal variety that will give you.
The controls on a bass are much like that of a stereo system. There are knobs for volume and tone – bass, treble and sometimes mid.
Volume Knobs
Bass guitars either have a master volume for all pickups, or two separate volume knobs – one for each pickup. With a master volume knob there is a separate knob that blends or balances the two pickups. A master volume is a little easier to control and set.
A few basses may have a pickup selector switch. A 3-way pickup selector switch has 3 settings: both pickups on, the bridge pickup on, or the neck pickup on.
Having one volume knob, two volume knobs, or a switch basically give you all the same options.
Tone Knobs
All basses have at least one tone knob. This allows you to adjust the amount of bass or treble frequencies output by the bass.
Passive basses often have just one tone knob that cuts the treble frequencies.
Active bass guitars have more tone knobs. An active bass will have at least a treble knob and a bass knob. These will allow you to both cut and boost the treble and bass frequencies.
Some basses will have a mid-range knob. This allows you to cut or boost those frequencies that fall between the bass and treble knobs’ frequencies. Some basses feature a sweepable mid-range. This allows you to choose from a spectrum of mid-range frequencies you wish to cut or boost. Otherwise the frequency is set for you as it is on the bass and treble knobs.
You may come across terms like 3-band EQ. Each frequency is a band. Three-band means bass, mid, and treble. A 2-band EQ would mean just bass and treble.
Having more knobs is convenient, but don’t forget you can do a lot with the EQ settings on the bass amp. And, the amp’s electronics generally sound better. With the knobs it’s nice to be able to adjust your tone right on your bass. Or, if you record your bass directly rather than through a bass amp, you can shape your tone a bit more.
You shouldn’t be too concerned with the strings that come with a bass you are buying. Strings are fairly cheap and are easily replaced. (Please refer to the guide to changing your bass strings.) The strings you use will have a great impact on your bass. You should experiment with a number of different types of bass strings. For more info, check out the bass strings faq.
Pickups consist of a magnet around which a copper wire is coiled. When the vibrations of a bass string disturb the magnetic field of the magnet, small voltage fluctuations in the copper coil are produced. These fluctuations are then transmitted to the bass amp, amplified and translated into sound.
There are two prominent pickup designs based on the number of coils used in a pickup’s construction – single-coil and double-coil.
Single-Coil Pickups
Single-coil pickups have one coil wrapped around the pickup’s magnet. Single-coil pickups are often bright and clear sounding. A drawback is they can pickup external noise and give off a humming sound. Radio waves, computer monitors, and florescent lighting can all cause this humming/buzzing. If two single-coil pickups are used (as on a Fender Jazz bass) and the pickup volumes are set equally, the noise will get cancelled out. If you just use one of the pickups, you may pickup some noise.
Double-Coil - Humbuckers
Just as two single-coil pickups can be put together to cancel hum, a double-coil pickup can be created to cancel the hum within one pickup. These pickups are often called humbuckers or humbucking pickups for their hum-reducing qualities.
Humbuckers tend to roll off some of the tonal highs when they cancel the hum and they usually have more output than single-coils.
Split-Coil Pickups
Split-coil pickups are basically double coil pickups split apart. This is what you see on Fender Precision basses. Instead of one double-coil underneath all 4 strings, the pickups are split in two — each under one pair of strings.
Piezo Pickups
Piezo pickups are less common on electric basses, but you may run into them. A piezo pickup senses the actual vibration of the string through contact with the string at the bridge contact point. These are often found in acoustic bass guitars. Since piezos don’t rely on magnets it is possible to use non-metal strings such as nylon strings. Piezos, without the right kind of pre-amp, can sound brittle and thin.
Optical Pickups
The newest kind of pickup available is the optical pickup. Optical pickups use light to sense the vibrations of the strings instead of magnets. These are still very uncommon, but may catch on.
Other Pickup Terminology:
Soapbar pickups refers to the shape of the pickup housing. They look like bars of black soap. Often found on 5- and 6-string bass guitars.
An MM-style pickup refers to pickups created by and used on MusicMan basses.
Bass Pickup Placement
Where the pickup is located along the length of the string plays an important role in the tonal characteristics of the pickup. As you get closer to the bridge, a string’s sound is thinner and brighter. As you near the neck, the tone is fuller and warmer. The tone put out by each pickup depends a lot on where the pickup is located beneath the bass strings.
Number of Pickups
Some basses, like the Fender Precision bass, have only one pickup. Many bass guitars have two pickups. With two pickups, the pickup nearest the neck is called the neck pickup and the one nearest the bridge is called the bridge pickup.
The neck pickup gives off fatter, warmer tones while the bridge pickup has a brighter, thinner sound.
You can emphasize or de-emphasize either pickup to get a wide range of tones.
Bass Pickup Summary
If you are buying your first bass, I would suggest getting a P-J pickup configuration. This means one humbucking P-bass (Precision bass) style pickup near the neck and one J-bass (Jazz bass) style pickup near the bridge. This way you get a wide variety of tones and you can get an idea of the sonic qualities of each type of pickup. If you don’t want a P-J setup, at least be sure to get something with two pickups. You want the tonal variety that will give you.
The controls on a bass are much like that of a stereo system. There are knobs for volume and tone – bass, treble and sometimes mid.
Volume Knobs
Bass guitars either have a master volume for all pickups, or two separate volume knobs – one for each pickup. With a master volume knob there is a separate knob that blends or balances the two pickups. A master volume is a little easier to control and set.
A few basses may have a pickup selector switch. A 3-way pickup selector switch has 3 settings: both pickups on, the bridge pickup on, or the neck pickup on.
Having one volume knob, two volume knobs, or a switch basically give you all the same options.
Tone Knobs
All basses have at least one tone knob. This allows you to adjust the amount of bass or treble frequencies output by the bass.
Passive basses often have just one tone knob that cuts the treble frequencies.
Active bass guitars have more tone knobs. An active bass will have at least a treble knob and a bass knob. These will allow you to both cut and boost the treble and bass frequencies.
Some basses will have a mid-range knob. This allows you to cut or boost those frequencies that fall between the bass and treble knobs’ frequencies. Some basses feature a sweepable mid-range. This allows you to choose from a spectrum of mid-range frequencies you wish to cut or boost. Otherwise the frequency is set for you as it is on the bass and treble knobs.
You may come across terms like 3-band EQ. Each frequency is a band. Three-band means bass, mid, and treble. A 2-band EQ would mean just bass and treble.
Having more knobs is convenient, but don’t forget you can do a lot with the EQ settings on the bass amp. And, the amp’s electronics generally sound better. With the knobs it’s nice to be able to adjust your tone right on your bass. Or, if you record your bass directly rather than through a bass amp, you can shape your tone a bit more.
You shouldn’t be too concerned with the strings that come with a bass you are buying. Strings are fairly cheap and are easily replaced. (Please refer to the guide to changing your bass strings.) The strings you use will have a great impact on your bass. You should experiment with a number of different types of bass strings. For more info, check out the bass strings faq.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Is it Love or Infatuation ?
Finally, you have met him or her. You know what I mean, the one. All your life, or so it seems, you have been waiting for the person who made your heart pound, made the stars bright, and taken over all reasonable thought processes with ideas of making love on every beach from here to Tahiti.
You have a weird expression on your face, food suddenly seems like a mere inconvenience and sleep is just something you used to do. Your friends tease you about being in love. Your mother WARNS you about being in love.
Of course, you?re not stupid. You?ve been around (more than Mom knows about), and you have spent time in meditation/therapy having explored your own needs in the world. You want a soul mate but this guy/gal is just so sexy that it?s hard to imagine introducing him/her to your parents at all.
Going Public
So, things are going well and you are looking toward the next step, becoming an item. Going public. Everyone knows and invites you as a couple. People you know speculate about the future of your relationship. But the future means forever when it comes to commitment, so how do you know if this is really a good thing?
Are people whispering about how happy they are for you, or are they wondering if you should be committed yourself (like in a secure mental health facility)? And how about yourself? Do you feel comfortable with your newest love interest or do you just want to feel comfortable with someone? Is this the person that you want to spend your life with or are you just afraid to march into the future alone?
These very large questions deserve great considerations. The passions of new love are so entwined in our own emotional makeup, that it seems impossible to find objective considerations when proceeding along love?s thorny paths. So, for the purposes of this discussion, let us define love and infatuation so each can be thought about in a more organized manner.
Love is Forever Changing
Love as a dynamic process. For me, that means that there is a relationship that flexes, changes and grows as people mature, experience happens upon them, priorities and dreams are built and goals are met. Love brings out the best in people as individuals. The relationship between them becomes the way they define their lives. As jobs, careers, and family concerns change, people are able to work as a team to be understanding and flexible so the relationship (their lives) will flourish.
Dynamic process of love equals a sharing of emotion, trust, and growth of relationship. Growth is increasing ability of a couple to live symbiotically, enjoy each others company, trust each other with more secrets, depend on each other in more crises over the years, in raising children and taking care of aging relatives. It?s about growing old together, and long-term investments like real estate and children.
Is it Just Infatuation?
So what about infatuation? That?s when you think of someone all the time, you go out of your way to be around him/her, and you begin to center your priorities around him/her as well. There is history with this person: Maybe a short history, but maybe quite a while. You both enjoy being together. You both daydream about each other and get all crawly in your underwear. But is it love? I mean, you hate to be wrong about this kind of thing, especially if you have in mind perhaps reproducing together (or maybe if you forget to think about it just once).
Infatuation as are defining it here, is a static process characterized by an unrealistic expectation of blissful passion without positive growth and development. Characterized by a lack of trust, lack of loyalty, lack of commitment, lack of reciprocity, an infatuation is not necessarily foreplay for a love scenario. People, however, have many reasons for making commitments.
Most people are infatuated with their love partners to a certain degree. People who are in love think of their partners periodically when they are apart (some more than others). Men seem to be better, in general, in compartmentalizing their lives, thereby putting thoughts of loved ones aside until the mind is free to dwell on life. And yes, there are many exceptions and many ranges within the genders.
Knowing the Difference?
So how do you know? The question, actually is simple, the answer, however, is not easy to own or accept. And here it is: Does this relationship bring out the best in both of you?
This is the part where you get to assess and evaluate yourself and your partner, and your relationship honestly.
Though difficult, evaluating how things are going at regular intervals can help to give some direction (and re-direct misdirection) to people who are self-guided toward happiness and success. For those who are on a negative course, people who are unhappy,
confused and perhaps self-sabotaging, regular evaluation can point out some hard truths about oneself, and/or about the person you want to take the next step with.
While you try to evaluate whether or not it is the real thing, here are some things to consider:
Are you happy? That would be a yes or no. When you wake up, are you glad to be alive? Are you grateful for the blessings that you receive daily, like being alive and loved? Are you loved and treated as a person of value? Does his or her mother know about you?
Is your life on a positive track? Do you have hope for the future? Do you have dreams and work toward them all the time? Is your life better because your boy/girlfriend is in it? Really?
Are you in this relationship alone? Having someone on your arm makes life less complicated. You get a built in escort and date. Most people seem to think and feel better as part of a pair. There is a sense of social relief as well meaning family and friends stop trying to fix you up. Are you thinking and planning as a pair? Do you automatically consider both of your plans for the weekend, or merely anticipate maybe meeting up sometime? Have you postponed or given up your hopes and dreams for the relationship or have you restructured your dreams together?
Determining the Difference
The answers, and the courage to face the facts is the key to making the determination. In infatuation, your gaze, your thoughts and maybe your world revolves around someone. You have blinders on. It seems that all the world pales in comparison to this person?s looks, talents, intelligence, creativity, etc. What you might not see by keeping the blinders on, what can be serious flaws in any relationship, are the destructive traits and behaviors that degrade self esteem and cause some pretty negative effects on one?s choices and decisions.
Many have had the experience of looking back at some early romance, in middle or high school perhaps, when we were ?in love? with a special teacher, or camp counselor. It can be easier to see in retrospect, what you weren?t ready to see at the time. Your thoughts of
romance were simply an innocent fantasy: An infatuation that felt like love at the time.
Aside from your age, what was it about you that made you make that mistake. Innocence? Loneliness?: A longing to grow up, maybe. But those were things going on in your head. In fact, these feelings had little to do with the actual object of your infatuation (crush). It could be that some of those same feelings and needs exist for you today. Beware of your own vulnerability, and your own desire to ?get rescued? from that solitary life of the unpaired.
In time, the faults that you refuse to see will begin to come to the foreground. You may be infatuated with a rich and powerful person, but as you come to know that person on a more intimate basis, the qualities that intrigued you will begin to fade into the background.
In the case of love, your focus is on your special someone, and that someone exists in the real world. Give and take, compromise and cooperation are characteristics of love relationships. Working toward common goals, sharing dreams and values define the dynamics of a good love relationship. People know each other on a separate and private level than the world at large.
Bringing it Into Reality
Infatuation can even be thought of as love with only 2 dimensions. With love, that third dimension is reality. So, it is actually your ability to tell what is real in a relationship, versus what is imagined. You love being part of a couple, but is this the person you want to be in a couple with?
Look at the reality of who this person is, not who she/he wants to be. Do you always interact over dinner and drinks? Meet under different circumstances. Become part of each other?s lives. If that is not happening, why not? Are you spending and enjoying time together? What happens when you?re apart? Are you sure?
Trying to differentiate your love interest from your lust interest is requires a level head and the courage to face the unpleasant. It also requires maturity and the ability to take a step back and survey the big picture. The result is more control and confidence as you stride your way in love's direction.
About the Author: Michelle Drew is the pseudonym for J. Michelle Davis, a psychologist, educator and advocate with 30 years of experience in various social service and educational agencies in Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut and New York. She holds a M. Ed. in Counseling Psychology from Cambridge College and a B.A. in developmental psychology from the University of Rochester.
Not to be sidelined by an accident induced disability in 1999, Michelle has continued to provide insightful advice, information and resources in her on line advice column, Soft Shoulder Advice. Please visit her website at www.softshoulderadvice.com for more advice, motivations and resources.
You have a weird expression on your face, food suddenly seems like a mere inconvenience and sleep is just something you used to do. Your friends tease you about being in love. Your mother WARNS you about being in love.
Of course, you?re not stupid. You?ve been around (more than Mom knows about), and you have spent time in meditation/therapy having explored your own needs in the world. You want a soul mate but this guy/gal is just so sexy that it?s hard to imagine introducing him/her to your parents at all.
Going Public
So, things are going well and you are looking toward the next step, becoming an item. Going public. Everyone knows and invites you as a couple. People you know speculate about the future of your relationship. But the future means forever when it comes to commitment, so how do you know if this is really a good thing?
Are people whispering about how happy they are for you, or are they wondering if you should be committed yourself (like in a secure mental health facility)? And how about yourself? Do you feel comfortable with your newest love interest or do you just want to feel comfortable with someone? Is this the person that you want to spend your life with or are you just afraid to march into the future alone?
These very large questions deserve great considerations. The passions of new love are so entwined in our own emotional makeup, that it seems impossible to find objective considerations when proceeding along love?s thorny paths. So, for the purposes of this discussion, let us define love and infatuation so each can be thought about in a more organized manner.
Love is Forever Changing
Love as a dynamic process. For me, that means that there is a relationship that flexes, changes and grows as people mature, experience happens upon them, priorities and dreams are built and goals are met. Love brings out the best in people as individuals. The relationship between them becomes the way they define their lives. As jobs, careers, and family concerns change, people are able to work as a team to be understanding and flexible so the relationship (their lives) will flourish.
Dynamic process of love equals a sharing of emotion, trust, and growth of relationship. Growth is increasing ability of a couple to live symbiotically, enjoy each others company, trust each other with more secrets, depend on each other in more crises over the years, in raising children and taking care of aging relatives. It?s about growing old together, and long-term investments like real estate and children.
Is it Just Infatuation?
So what about infatuation? That?s when you think of someone all the time, you go out of your way to be around him/her, and you begin to center your priorities around him/her as well. There is history with this person: Maybe a short history, but maybe quite a while. You both enjoy being together. You both daydream about each other and get all crawly in your underwear. But is it love? I mean, you hate to be wrong about this kind of thing, especially if you have in mind perhaps reproducing together (or maybe if you forget to think about it just once).
Infatuation as are defining it here, is a static process characterized by an unrealistic expectation of blissful passion without positive growth and development. Characterized by a lack of trust, lack of loyalty, lack of commitment, lack of reciprocity, an infatuation is not necessarily foreplay for a love scenario. People, however, have many reasons for making commitments.
Most people are infatuated with their love partners to a certain degree. People who are in love think of their partners periodically when they are apart (some more than others). Men seem to be better, in general, in compartmentalizing their lives, thereby putting thoughts of loved ones aside until the mind is free to dwell on life. And yes, there are many exceptions and many ranges within the genders.
Knowing the Difference?
So how do you know? The question, actually is simple, the answer, however, is not easy to own or accept. And here it is: Does this relationship bring out the best in both of you?
This is the part where you get to assess and evaluate yourself and your partner, and your relationship honestly.
Though difficult, evaluating how things are going at regular intervals can help to give some direction (and re-direct misdirection) to people who are self-guided toward happiness and success. For those who are on a negative course, people who are unhappy,
confused and perhaps self-sabotaging, regular evaluation can point out some hard truths about oneself, and/or about the person you want to take the next step with.
While you try to evaluate whether or not it is the real thing, here are some things to consider:
Are you happy? That would be a yes or no. When you wake up, are you glad to be alive? Are you grateful for the blessings that you receive daily, like being alive and loved? Are you loved and treated as a person of value? Does his or her mother know about you?
Is your life on a positive track? Do you have hope for the future? Do you have dreams and work toward them all the time? Is your life better because your boy/girlfriend is in it? Really?
Are you in this relationship alone? Having someone on your arm makes life less complicated. You get a built in escort and date. Most people seem to think and feel better as part of a pair. There is a sense of social relief as well meaning family and friends stop trying to fix you up. Are you thinking and planning as a pair? Do you automatically consider both of your plans for the weekend, or merely anticipate maybe meeting up sometime? Have you postponed or given up your hopes and dreams for the relationship or have you restructured your dreams together?
Determining the Difference
The answers, and the courage to face the facts is the key to making the determination. In infatuation, your gaze, your thoughts and maybe your world revolves around someone. You have blinders on. It seems that all the world pales in comparison to this person?s looks, talents, intelligence, creativity, etc. What you might not see by keeping the blinders on, what can be serious flaws in any relationship, are the destructive traits and behaviors that degrade self esteem and cause some pretty negative effects on one?s choices and decisions.
Many have had the experience of looking back at some early romance, in middle or high school perhaps, when we were ?in love? with a special teacher, or camp counselor. It can be easier to see in retrospect, what you weren?t ready to see at the time. Your thoughts of
romance were simply an innocent fantasy: An infatuation that felt like love at the time.
Aside from your age, what was it about you that made you make that mistake. Innocence? Loneliness?: A longing to grow up, maybe. But those were things going on in your head. In fact, these feelings had little to do with the actual object of your infatuation (crush). It could be that some of those same feelings and needs exist for you today. Beware of your own vulnerability, and your own desire to ?get rescued? from that solitary life of the unpaired.
In time, the faults that you refuse to see will begin to come to the foreground. You may be infatuated with a rich and powerful person, but as you come to know that person on a more intimate basis, the qualities that intrigued you will begin to fade into the background.
In the case of love, your focus is on your special someone, and that someone exists in the real world. Give and take, compromise and cooperation are characteristics of love relationships. Working toward common goals, sharing dreams and values define the dynamics of a good love relationship. People know each other on a separate and private level than the world at large.
Bringing it Into Reality
Infatuation can even be thought of as love with only 2 dimensions. With love, that third dimension is reality. So, it is actually your ability to tell what is real in a relationship, versus what is imagined. You love being part of a couple, but is this the person you want to be in a couple with?
Look at the reality of who this person is, not who she/he wants to be. Do you always interact over dinner and drinks? Meet under different circumstances. Become part of each other?s lives. If that is not happening, why not? Are you spending and enjoying time together? What happens when you?re apart? Are you sure?
Trying to differentiate your love interest from your lust interest is requires a level head and the courage to face the unpleasant. It also requires maturity and the ability to take a step back and survey the big picture. The result is more control and confidence as you stride your way in love's direction.
About the Author: Michelle Drew is the pseudonym for J. Michelle Davis, a psychologist, educator and advocate with 30 years of experience in various social service and educational agencies in Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut and New York. She holds a M. Ed. in Counseling Psychology from Cambridge College and a B.A. in developmental psychology from the University of Rochester.
Not to be sidelined by an accident induced disability in 1999, Michelle has continued to provide insightful advice, information and resources in her on line advice column, Soft Shoulder Advice. Please visit her website at www.softshoulderadvice.com for more advice, motivations and resources.
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